My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
