I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
