On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
