I wish my penis had an off switch
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
