Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Randomize
