just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
