I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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