you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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