I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
