So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
