you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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