with your own penis?
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
