Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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