Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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