Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
