my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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