I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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