then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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