Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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