i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i think i have two assholes
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
