I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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