a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
