I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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