I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
