went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
