I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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