I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
