Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
