Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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