just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
