Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She bit a glass in half.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
