I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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