Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The air was thick with penises
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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