I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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