sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
