FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
