Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
