I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
