3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
