Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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