sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
