How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
