I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
