I am spending my child support on dildos
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
