oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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