this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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