Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
