The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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