Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
