I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
