well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
