I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
