god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
These tits shall not be calmed
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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