dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
