I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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