i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
