the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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