I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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