So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
